Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
operation have a gay friend backfired
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
