I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
