the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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