I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
