I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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