I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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