The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
