I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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