I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
