Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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