it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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