I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
