i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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