Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
