Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
