...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
