I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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