Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
