I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
