you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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