My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
