i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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