At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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