I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
where are my eyebrows?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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