Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We have so much sex to catch up on
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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