I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
