please come you make the beer taste better
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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