I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
