my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
