my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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