Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
