I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
