i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
