Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I would fuck him just for his dog
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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