he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize