Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
