I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
