She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
