He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
