omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
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Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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