Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
