no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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