I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
