The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.