I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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