Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
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If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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