im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
