You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
