So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
