it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
