i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
