then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
