All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You ruined the universe
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
