Already got asked if we're dating
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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